


Toxins

by Squishiez



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Consensual Abuse, Control, Dark, Defects, Dependant, F/F, Fusion, Fusion addiction, Kissing, Naive Steven, Pearl's POV, Smoking, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, flaws, future smut, salt water
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 18:55:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9285506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squishiez/pseuds/Squishiez
Summary: "Psst, Pearl!"I was knocked out of my thoughts by a very familiar voice..





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought my first Pearl/Lapis story would be a smut, but the again, I never expected my first smut to be a Pearl/Lapis story. 
> 
> This is just a prologue where you guys get to learn of the situation, next chapter the story begins.

We both have our problems, we know that. Garnet knows. Amethyst knows. Peridot knows but they're just too scared to mention it to us.

Lapis and I have a very toxic relationship going on right now and we know it's wrong and toxic but we accept it; that's something most fail to do. When you do something wrong, you embrace it or try to fix it and we both know we can't fix it so easily. Trust me, if it was possible we would have fixed it long ago but that isn't the case..

What's our problem you may ask me. Well, there's more than one.

For example, we're addicted to fusing and its not the good type of fuse with a healthy relationship like Garnet. No, we fuse to let out negativity take over. We don't even know what our fusion is or what they look like because we're so focused on what's happening on the inside of the fusion. Lapis wants the excitement of fighting for control and I want to give up control. So, it's a good combination but it has flaws. She wants to break someone down and feel strong, while I want to be ordered around. She's getting her control but not in the way she wants. So, usually Lapis would build up my confidence all day, making me feel happy and think we're starting something better just to rip it away later.

I know Lapis seems like a bad guy in this situation but she's not! I'm the one who wanted this.

Now, another problem we have is that we look at each other to help with our abandonment issues. Let's face it, Rose left me here. She thought I wasn't a good enough reason to stay. While, Lapis feels that homeworld left her by betraying her and leaving her in that mirror.

We weren't good enough. I wasn't good enough. Though, with Lapis, that doesn't matter to her. We both just need an outlet, if that made sense. We would spend days alone, doing nothing. Laying there, where no one could find us, it was always the best. It was just so soothing. I'm not sure if Lapis liked those moments as much as me but I hope she did because we did it often and I don't want it to be all because of me if she doesn't find it at least a little satisfying.

Anyways, about the fusion thing. The others know we have something going on that isn't normal but I wouldn't dare let them find out about our toxic fusing. Fusion is something that the Crystal Gems always took very seriously, me included. Though, I just can't not fuse. I feel useless without someone leading me forward and if that will make the rest hate me then I'll make sure they never find out.

Same with Lapis, she said she prefers that Peridot doesn't know due to her being a tease. Plus, She also said that the Garnet and Amethyst should stay uninformed because of how protective they are. I mean, if Garnet found out about me in such an unhealthy relationship she would flip! Ruby and Sapphire would make sure Lapis and I never see each other again, without supervision. Which would ruin everything because.. Me and Lapis don't meet up to talk. Making visiting her useless with supervision.

Steven?

He doesn't know anything. He has concluded that we're best friends and sneak out to get donuts. He's very naive and I'm actually glad about it in this situation. Like Garnet, he would freak out knowing the horrible truth.

Ok, now I'm off topic again.

One of our main problems is Lapis's interest in human activity. She's obsessed with kissing? I find that very strange but I don't judge. I've been on earth for over Five thousand years and only interacted with a few humans. While, Lapis has interacted with many and she must have discovered kissing before most human activities. She has grown addicted to it. Thank goodness she hasn't learned of the human activity known as _sexual intercourse._ I wouldn't be able to stand that.

But then again, its only a matter of time before a teen causes Lapis to get curious about it. I try my best to make sure she doesn't find out about it.

We got enough poison, we don't need to add to it.

"Psst, Pearl!"

I was knocked out of my thoughts by a very familiar voice..


	2. Mischievous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl never understands what Lapis finds so funny.

Her voice always caused a chill to run down my spine. Though, she was whispering, making it worse. At first, I didn't understand why she was whispering but then I realized, everyone was home, that was why. Steven and Connie were upstairs playing on his GameCube, Garnet was in her room, and Amethyst.. Well I didn't actually know what she was doing but I know she was around somewhere.

So, I ran to the door, making sure none of my steps caused the floor to creek. I motioned her to stay outside but I guess she didn't quite understand my hand motions because she opened the door and slipped inside, shutting the door slowly, so the door wouldn't make a sound alerting Steven and Connie. At least she had enough sense to stay quiet. I tiptoed over to her and she somewhat ran to me, not making sound. When she got close enough she laid a small kiss on my cheek, like she always did.

I looked around making sure no one was around and when I knew no one was,

"Lapis, what are you doing here so early? Besides, you never show up on Mondays, you have that weird show to watch with Peridot tonight." I managed to whisper. Meanwhile, Lapis just smiled a bit but I could see the annoyance in her eyes. All I could think to myself was, _What did Peridot do this time?_ I'm glad I didn't say it out loud because I know Lazuli wouldn't be able to hold in her anger if I got her started.

"Well, Peridot's busy tonight and cancelled." She whispered simply and gave me another kiss but on my neck this time. Now, I'm not saying it didn't feel good, it did but she needs to learn that if I make one unusual sound, Steven will look downstairs and that won't be good. But she doesn't stop.

"Lazuli, stop. Steven is home." I whispered.

The look of annoyance spread on her face again as she looked me in the eyes. She just remained staring at my eyes. It was kinda creepy but it was easy to get lost in her eyes when she did this. Her eyes were a beautiful cerulean, they resembled the waves of the ocean and they shined like a mirror. She really was something else. My thoughts were interrupted again by a wheeze that was emitted by her and then she just burst out into laughter. She kept laughing and I immediately began to panic, just making her laugh more. I looked around frantically, my body frozen in dismay. I tried to shush her but it didn't work and I began to wonder why she was even laughing. She must have knew that too because she snorted and attempted to stop but her laughter kept going.

It was cute but she was going to get us caught!

At this point, I gave up. It would be a miracle if no one heard us but I knew it was just hopeful thinking.I mean, Lapis was really good at making excuses. So, I know they'll be no consequences but I just don't want to cause suspicion. I don't want the others thinking they need to keep an out on me, because I'm not a child. It's not even possible for me to be a child anyways. Meaning, I don't need them thinking they need to watch me.

"Lapis, is that you? Pearl, is Lapis here?" The blue gem managed to stop laughing at looked at me in concern but then smiled again, nodding, basically telling me it was going to be fine.

I trusted her, even if she was _very_ mischievous. Especially, when it came to Steven. I knew she wouldn't do anything that could affect their friendship. So, I didn't have to worry about the two together, like I do with her around the other two.

Especially around Garnet. Lapis doesn't hate Garnet not at all, it's quite the opposite actually. I'm starting to think that she admires Garnet for being able to be such a healthy and perfect fusion that's happy. While, Malachite was a mess, along with our fusion. So, she usually tries to outdo her a lot. Sometimes, I even feel like she is trying to make Garnet jealous of us, which I know would never happen because the two of them already love each other, nothing could break Ruby and Sapphire. The two of them don't know we're in a strange relationship but I'm sure they somewhat guess we are because of the way Garnet stares at us when we're seen together, which is rare because we usually meet up away from the temple to make sure no one catches us in our horrible acts.

"Yes, Steven! I'm here because Peridot told me Pearl wanted to tell me the story of how Peri locked herself in your room, you know, the one you pee in."

I snicker. "Bathroom." I whispered.

"The bathroom, that's what I meant!" Lapis screamed. When she finished her sentence, we could hear footsteps coming from up above. So, we knew they were coming down in a hurry, probably excited to see Lapis, who he doesn't see very often.

To be honest, I wish he would stay upstairs but I knew that wouldn't happen, knowing Steven.

* * *

Steven and Connie were down here for about twenty minutes before returning upstairs. The two of them just asked Lapis stuff about the barn and about Peridot. It honestly bored me. So, I found myself getting up and heading to the kitchen to clean the dishes. I wasn't needed right now anyways the three of them were catching up. Besides, I hog Lapis enough. Giving them a little while wasn't a big deal.

I just wondered why she was really here, that's all.

I took a deep breath and began to hum a tune and just scrubbed all the dishes clean, it was the least I could.

"Hey, Pearl, let's go to the bathroom and you can show me around!" I heard Lapis scream from the other room. I found the request strange, not really knowing what she meant.

"There's just a toilet, a sink, and a tub. Nothing interesting.''

"I'm sure we can find a way to make it interesting."

I hope Steven didn't understand.


	3. Open Book

Steven and Connie went back upstairs after Lapis's statement. Steven had no idea what the true meaning of that was and Connie was a bit skeptical but obviously ignored that feeling and followed Steven to go play their video games. Lapis watched every step of their way and didn't stop until the two were completely off the last stair. Then, strolled over to me with a confident aura around her and a very wide grin and smite filled eyes. As soon as she came close enough for contact, she kissed me right on my gem, causing shivers to run down my back.

Without any hesitation whatsoever, she grabbed onto my hand and sped through the house to the bathroom door. Though, she didn't open it and head inside. No. She trapped me against the door by hovering over me with her arms against the door, beside me. She laid a few kisses down my neck before staring me straight in the eyes.

"I missed you." She said simply with a soft smile on her face. It caused something to react in my stomach, it's funny how even a gem without any organs could catch butterflies. "Y'know it kinda makes me happy Peridot cancelled. At least I get to see you."

That sentence made me chuckle a bit, probably because I knew she was lying. Everyone knows that Camp Pining hearts is her favorite thing on Earth and I know she's not happy about Peridot canceling their night of watching the marathon. Well, at least she was trying to be sensitive towards me.

"What's so funny?" She asked me with a hint of concern in her voice.

"Well, I'll tell you what I find funny if you tell me what you thought was so funny over there. You know, when you almost got our cover blown." For a moment, I found myself proud of the response. I sounded less submissive today. Yeah, I'm being dramatic but it's rare that I actually respond to her like this. So, I was kinda happy for once and Lapis just found the cockiness amusing, shown by the small smirk on her face, which is always cute.

Lapis took a step back, no longer hovering over me in a menacing manner but just standing in front of me silently.

"Being arrogant towards me really doesn't suit you." She smiled teasingly and grabbed both of my wrists. It was a gentle touch.. that didn't last more than five seconds before she slammed me against the door again with my hands above my head as she forced kisses down my neck and didn't stop.

She was mumbling under her breath after every kiss, not knowing what she was saying to herself did make me a bit uncomfortable but trust me, I wasn't worrying about that, especially when I had a girl who actually had feelings for me kissing on me and let's just say I was breathless as her lips came into contact with my skin. She was just beautiful and Lapis sure did know how to make a gem stop talking.

 _"You're my prisoner ,see... I'm not."_ I heard her mumble and I was immediately going to say something when she got rougher on my neck, causing a failed attempt at her name to flow out of my mouth, it basically just sounded like a squeal! She kept mumbling it to herself and every attempt I made to speak to her she would just try her best to make me moan by getting rough, biting me, or let go of my wrists and let them travel down my body.

I don't know why she refused to let me speak. Maybe she didn't want my pity or a tear filled confrontation or maybe she just didn't want me to kink-shame her, who knows? But I really did wish to speak to her about it but she just wouldn't let me!

Without warning, she grabbed back onto my wrist and pulled me away from the door, forcing me to trail behind her as she swung the bathroom door open and practically threw me in there. I didn't fall or lose balance or anything like that but my heart was racing like crazy. Though, I also wasn't shocked either. Lapis was usually even more wild than this. It wasn't too much of a surprise.

She came closer to me until I could feel her breath on my neck and a cold smile formed across her face. I guess she was planning the push to make me fall but failed because with one motion of her arms, she pushed me to the ground rather violently to the point where I actually slid back a few tiles when I landed on the bathroom floor.

"I'm so sorry, Pearl." Lapis took a deep breath. "Trust me, I really am but I need this and you yourself know you don't hate it."

She wasn't wrong. If she was, we wouldn't be here in this situation, together. We both knew this was wrong and that it wasn't helping our mental states but we couldn't quite stop ourselves.

Lapis sunk down to her knees, never taking her eyes off me and I could see sadness in her eyes. I knew I had to help her.

"Lapis, you're fine. You want this and I want this we both agreed that we need this!" I tried to reassure her and she nodded at me but I could see that she was lying because of her eyes. She was usually pretty easy for me to read since we're around each other so often and we become open books to the other. It could also be described as us both having our own books and writing it in a language that only the two of us knew.

Only we knew what other truly wanted.

"This is why I love you, Pearl." She planted kisses all over my body, one after another. "I have a great night planned for us."

She whispered quite loudly into my ear.

I was going to respond until two voices called out

"HA! We caught you!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They aren't who you think they are. ;) let's see who the friendly surprise is together in the next chapter.


	4. Negotiate?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Busted.

My mind stopped interpreting what was happening after I heard those voices. Lapis had quickly jumped off of me and stared forward in awe yet horror. I could tell she was just as scared of being caught as I was and here we were caught laying on top of each other while she kissed down my whole body and us whispering things to each other that weren't exactly what best friends would say to each other.

I slowly looked up to the bathtub and starred in horror as I caught a glimpse of purple and a yellowish green tinted hair. No wonder why Amethyst was no where to be found because she was with Peridot and Peridot must've cancelled on Lapis because she knew that Lapis would meet with me if she wasn't there to watch the marathon with her. They planned this all along!

All Lapis and I could do was look at each other in shock. Those two outsmarted us. I mean, yeah, Peridot is smart when it comes to technology and stuff like that but she wasn't so smart when it came to relationships, whether romantic or platonic or any kind actually. And of course, Amethyst was never able to outsmart me. I knew her ways too well. Though, the two of them found us suspicious and actually found a way to figure us out.

I was speechless!

"Haha! P, you never wear that much blue on you, I almost didn't regonize you!" Amethyst laughed at her own joke and what she said just made my whole face heat up and I could hear Lapis starting to growl, this wasn't good. She wasn't happy about this one bit!

"Yes, Lazuli, I find this predicament rather strange since you started off hating Pearl but here you are executing rather romantic human activities on her. Do you care to explain?"

Peridot's statement wasn't making anything better either.

Especially, Lapis was seething in anger. I wasn't as mad as I was shocked. Though, Lapis didn't seem to care of her horror or her surprise not at all. I could sense it, she was focusing her anger more than anything

It was something she often did.

"I don't understand! We were cautious, I made sure you weren't paying attention when I left, Peri, and Pearl made sure she was the only one around when she leaves, Amethyst. So, how did you do it!" She demanded in a firm voice. There was nothing but coldness and a side of interest in her voice. I stayed silent, knowing there was nothing I could do to calm her down at the momemt, at least not in front of those two.

Lapis needs _special treatment_ when she's upset. Nothing normal happens when she's upset or angry, at least nothing normal for people who were supposed to be just friends.

The blue gem's words seemed to spark something in Peridot's eyes and immediately we both knew Peridot was ready to give her explanations and evidence and we knew she shouldn't have asked.

"Well, I'm glad you asked!" Peridot winked at the two of us and cleared her throat, preparing for the long explanation that she probably had planned prior. "I noticed your weird behavior first. Since I have had time with both you and Pearl, While, Amethyst knows little of you and lots about Pearl. So, I was easily able to spot the differences in your behavior, it was simple really."

Peridot let put a small gleeful giggle as if she was proud that she had our attention. "You guys may have been sneaky by hiding your meet ups and sneaking out when no one was paying attention but when I found out that Pearl was mysteriously gone for days when you were gone. It obviously became suspicious to me. PLUS, let's not forget your new strange emotional behavior. Lapis when you're angry you usually ignore me for the rest of the night but lately every night you mumble something and leave, and come back in a better mood."

I could see Lapis just staring ahead trying to interpret what Peridot had just said. I was also having trouble understanding because this happened all so suddenly! The two of them were just hammering this into us without warning!

Now it was Amethyst's turn and I was not pleased with how she stared at me. She had a look in her eye that was screaming victory. Which was true, the two of them definitely beat us.

"Now, You P! I mean I know all about your romances and how they make you act. You're less naggy and carefree. So, once I noticed that I assumed it was with that Mystery Girl you were chasing after!" At that statement Lapis immediately looked at me with a face that seemed to be concerned yet jealous at the same time and Amethyst was just laughing. "What gave it away for me was when I said I was heading to the barn last week and asked if you wanted to go and the way you said no weirded me out but I didn't put two and two together until Peridot told Me aboutLapiss and that's when I realized you two had a lot in common!"

I was left speechless.

Though, Lapis was another story.

"If you speak of this to Steven or Garnet I will make sure we never have to hear you speak again!"

I gasped self-consciously at the words that she had just spoke. Threatening them would just make Amethyst want to tell! So, I immediately grabbed Lapis's arm and forced her to turn my way, focusing her on me and not them. We couldn't let this go completely go wrong.. All because they knew didn't mean it was over!

As long as Steven and Garnet didn't know yet then we were fine! We just couldn't be reckless about this like she wanted to.

If we fought them we would be the bad guys, and I didn't know how to be a villain! We wouldn't be fighting for justice or anything positive we would be fighting for something wrong and toxic.

"Lapis, maybe I should handle this one. You go cool down with Steven and Connie. Steven always enjoys your company!"

She Was hesitant but finally agreed to leave.

"Pearl enjoys it more!" Amethyst shouted after her and I felt my face grow hot.

I sighed

How am I suppose to negotiate with these two?!


	5. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst, Peridot, and Pearl have a small chat. Meanwhile, Lapis spends some time out to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda light but the next chapter is kinda emotional for me to write, I already have it started, So, I wanted to mention something positive! Since this story is going to get dark, I want to write a counter piece. Which means, I want to write a happy story where Lapis and Pearl are actually happy and healthy, instead of so dark and sad all the time. I haven't really thought of the plot yet. If you have any suggestions then I can probably make it a future plot point if it fits. Though, i'm not sure if it's going to be a human AU or not.

"P, I thought thicc pink-haired girls were your type!" Amethyst let out a teasing laugh and nudged me with her elbow. "But I guess you're more into little blue water witches!" I immediately felt a blush spread across my face even more than it already had. My whole face was just a slight shade of cerulean. I couldn't conjure any words to mutter. All I felt was heat. I was sweating, I didn't have a physical form, gems were made of light! Though, somehow, my body was able to sweat.

There was so much rushing through my head at the moment..

•Could Amethyst and Peridot be persuaded not to tell Garnet?

•What about Steven and Connie, would they ever find out?

•Was Lapis mad about the Mystery Girl story Amethyst told?

•..Or would Rose be disappointed in our shameful acts?

"Yes, it is a bit strange. Lapis doesn't exactly seem like your type but I guess I could have miscalculated." Peridot mumbled just loud enough for the two of us to hear her.

I appreciated that. Unlike Amethyst, she seemed to care about whether or not Lapis and I got caught. She wanted to see what we were hiding before she actually thought of exposing us. Peridots are very smart.

If i could convince Peridot not to tell, then Amethyst wouldn't tell. The Two were quite close now and the two would do anything for each other. Kinda like me and Lapis but they're healthy and we weren't. They were better than us.

It kinda made me sad. Garnet is healthy, Peridot and Amethyst are healthy, and they may not be official but even Steven and Connie are healthy!

Even Rose and Greg were healthy..

I sighed. 

"But, yo, why would you hide it? You're more of the bragging type." The purple gem asked, clearly not holding anything back.

I didn't know what to say but I had to say something!

"This isn't like me and Rose or anyone else. Me and Lapis's relationship is different. We're both still healing from stuff." I say and Peridot nods like it was the most obvious explanation in the world and Amethyst looks skeptical.

It was hard not to break under pressure. One wrong move and these two will turn on you. Though, it seemed Peridot would be the one to sympathize with me before Amethyst. Since she's friends with me and close friends with Lapis. She wouldn't want those friendships to end.

"Still, P, I thought you trusted me enough to talk to me about stuff like this!"

Guilt suddenly formed in the pit of my stomach. Amethyst always knew how to guilt trip people, especially me.

I might not be telling the whole truth but she still made me feel bad because I know she would have talked to me about it. She trusts me to tell her when something isn't right and I failed to do that.

I felt bad.

Though, I still couldn't talk about the complete truth. If those two found out about the darker part of our relationship, it was over with.

"Amethyst, I'm sorry." I had to add more. Not only did I need to be more persuasive but I genuinely felt the need for her to forgive me because me and Lapis can be considered in a relationship, but Amethyst was still one of my closest friends. "I would have talked to you about it but, like I said before, Lapis isn't Rose. Lapis needs to heal from Malachite before she's able to have a happy and open relationship. She just can't handle everyone knowing and talking about us. Please, understand that."

Amethyst didn't say anything. She glanced at the floor and then back at me over and over again, as if she couldn't decided whether or not she wanted to trust me. She took a deep breath before letting her gaze rest on Peridot, who looked back at her and gave her a nod. The exchange made my stomach turn. It was cute to see how the two had developed. They were dependent on each other, not completely, but just enough where they helped each other make the right decisions. They were so healthy compared to Lapis and I.

"We respect your and Lapis's decision. It must have been hard keeping that a secret for so long. So, we respect your privacy and won't discuss it around anyone, Not Steven, Garnet, You, Lapis, or anyone else."

Peridot's usual snarky grin wasn't there, it was an actual happy smile.

"I'm appreciative that you're working with Lapis's relationship trauma. Well, I'm surprised she's even letting you. Lapis must really respect you, Pearl." No, it's way more complicate than that. She **_owns_** me. 

I'm her pearl.

"Y-Yeah, Maybe she does. Thanks, I really needed that." I paused. "Like I said, It means so much to us that you're gonna keep this private."

Peridot's grin came back.

"Well, what did you expect? I am the respected leader of the Crystal Gems!" She chuckled.. maniacally, in her own way.

While, Amethyst stayed silent. It was odd to see her like this. Though, the both of them had changed drastically lately. Amethyst I always viewed as too childish to actually make important choices.. or have a relationship..  but she was doing both of those things better than me. She really had matured since we found her. She may not know it but I'm proud of her. Than there's Peridot. We started off fearing her. The Crystal Gems all despised her. Then, when Steven reintroduced us, we thought of her as a joke, well sorta. Now, she's a friend. She may be cocky but she's alot smarter than she acts. Peridot is more than just technology smart, she's friend smart. You could really depend on the two of them. It made me happy knowing we were all on the same team, even if we started off rocky.

"P, if you need anything, talk to me."

I really wish I could.

"Of course, Amethyst." Was the only thing I was able to say before Amethyst walked out of the room with Peridot's hand in her own.

* * *

**_Lapis_ **

_I couldn't believe this. I didn't want to be mad because Pearl and I should've expected the two to try and spy on us but I was too ignorant! Pearl told me to not try anything in the house but I didn't listen and it backfired on her. I mean what if Garnet finds out and bans Pearl from talking to me or if she kicks me out of the barn, or beach city! I couldn't live with that. Earth takes away my home from me, and then **MY** pearl!? I. Don't. Think. So. _

_If I left, What would Pearl do? I mean she always says she can't live without me and that means she must care about me. Though, she's been teaching me that time can heal wounds. So, what if her wounds healed quickly? Would she move on?_

_That's when a spark of jealousy hit me._

_Amethyst spoke of a Mystery girl that Pearl tried to flirt with. I didn't want to be mad but I am! She's my pearl and I don't appreciate her finding other girls attractive! It's just disrespectful towards me! It's not like I go around Beach City picking out people I think are cute. Well, I tell Peridot she's cute but that's in a friendly manner. I would never think of another girl the way I think of Pearl. Pearl is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on and I could never lower myself by thinking of another person. She was too perfect for me throw away for another._

_It may not be obvious but she makes me happy._

_Though, I guess it's not the same for her if she's still looking at other people!.._

_We were going to have a very long chat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapis's section is small but she'll get her own chapter in the future! ;)


End file.
